It starts with our childhood

#shocker.

But lets start with what resiliency is…

Resiliency is the ability to recover quickly from set back or difficulties.  It’s like the rubber band that stretches out, to the point that you think it’s going to break and it can quickly recover.  Maybe a little more stretched out, but the thicker the band is, the higher the ability is to snap back.

I like to use this explanation to explain it to my youngster clients.  They really like the analogy.  We discuss stressors in their lives and I have them stretch the band a little more when we discuss each of their issues.  It gives them a visual of how important it is to get back to baseline before “SNAP”.

We also talk about different ways to make our bands thicker so we don’t get so stretched out.  One of my youngsters said “I wonder if that is why skin starts to sag after age”.  I thought that was hilarious.

Our goal in life is to live to our fullest potential, thriving, and living a great quality of life.  This all together leads to happiness. 

Resiliency is required to bring us back to baseline.  Resiliency is the ability to fight off stress and other challenges we face.

The amount of resiliency we have has been linked to development, diet, genetics, etc.  Can we build resiliency? absolutely.

Here are some things that can build resiliency.

Practicing YO skills

Mastering skills and finding passions can help build self-confidence.  Finding things that you can excel at increasing cognitive and emotional wellness and also encourages future growth.

Goal Setting

Set REALISTIC goals.  Checking things off of a list that you have created for yourself can lead to feeling of accomplishment and competence. Make sure to break large goals into smaller obtainable goals to foster an increase in mastery and accomplishment.

Develop A Strong Social Network

Build positive friend groups.  Build a group of people who teach you to feel empowered and help you grow.  There is nothing more deafening than negativity or people who don’t acknowledge your growth or determination. This is just as important as having a supportive family growing up as this increases your resiliency.  People who have had rougher pasts often find people who mirror the negativity they grew up with.  Join groups with similar interests, and be picky about the people you have in your life. My best friend tells me all the time how “awesome” I am.  It’s an amazing feeling.

Seeking the Positive

This doesn’t mean ignore the negative.  It means taking a step back and realizing that most problems are temporary.  What can you learn from this situation. Thinking of the skills you have and how to remain hopeful during dark times is imperative to having resiliency.

Take Steps to Change the Problem

We all know someone who just constantly complains but doesn’t take an steps to fix the problem.  It’s just a cycle that NEVER STOPS.  First of all, its exhausting, second of all help them try to establish steps to change it.  It’s okay to vent sometimes but it’s also important to make actionable changes to fix the problem. This also helps decrease anxiety and promotes feelings of self-confidence.

Now, lets talk about raising strong children and ways to build stronger relationships. Most of these following topics don’t just increase resiliency in children, it can help increase resiliency in people who are close to you and build stronger relationships.

Raising Strong/Resilient Children and Building Resilient Relationships

Raising strong children is critical to give them the tools to face adversity when they are older.  I have a lot of parents who come to me and ask… Why is my child’s distress tolerance so low?  Here are some things that can help children feel powerful.

Building Competence

It helps children feel more grounded and powerful with positive feedback.  Helping them master tasks and acknowledging that they are  growing and getting stronger.

Empower them to make decisions.

Children grow up feeling unsure of themselves and their environment because they don’t feel comfortable in the judgements they have to make.  “Helicopter” parent’s who make choices for their children inhibit their growth. In the long term being overly protective makes them feel incompetent to make decisions.  I hear grown people say “I’m not sure, let me ask my parents”. You’re old enough to drink, you’re old enough to make decisions.

Focus on their strengths.

As humans, our strengths are very different.  Helping them focus on their strengths as children is imperative to allowing them to grow up strong and confident.

Building Confidence

Acknowledge when they’ve done well. Point out things that are positives.  Verbally give feedback when they’ve done something that required empathy, persistence, integrity, or kindness.  This helps them understand different qualities that they encompass.  It also teaches them emotional intelligence.

Connection

This one is HUGE.  A lot of people I see who have past trauma have really struggled with this one.  This helps people attract healthy relationships and attract positive people in their lives.

People who have lived through trauma often struggle with what healthy relationships look like.

Also, giving them a safe space to grow.  The house shouldn’t be filled with tension and fighting.  This can ingrain helplessness and feelings of anxiety.  It gives them a place where they can reset and be themselves.  Even tiny children pick up on tension and it can wire their brains to constantly search for anxiety or tension.

Demonstrate how important community is. Do things together to help out others.

Allow them to express emotions so they learn to not “hide” their feelings.  Don’t make them feel stupid or idiotic for having feelings.  Encourage them and thank them for talking to you.

For the WIN

Overall…

Resiliency is important in so many aspects of living a full-filled life. I’m a true believer that getting rid of the negativity in your life can help grow the support network and the skills you need to live your best life.

The culture we live in often lack resiliency, as more and more people struggle with confidence and our relationships tend to be so selfish. People can believe their looks are more important than the qualities they hold.

Do an audit of your life.  Find a counselor that helps you look outside of your patterns to help you build a life you love.

In the meantime, I’m always here.

Talk soon,
XOXO,

Sarah