Boundaries are one of the topics that seems so obvious and yet it’s something that we all struggle with at some point. Boundaries are harder and harder to maintain especially with the dependence on social media. Boundaries are learned as you get older and get more experienced but it’s often learned the hard way or never learned at all. When I was in my early 20’s I just assumed everyone was “good” or at least well-meaning but it’s been one of the most difficult lesson to learn.
Not everyone is “good”. Not everyone see’s the best in you but that’s okay.
I see the struggle with boundaries with my clients, friends, family and even myself. It’s difficult to keep boundaries because it often is accompanied with “no’s”, fear of letting others down, and thoughts that you can’t be yourself. These don’t have to be true.
This is a hard pill to swallow.
What Healthy Boundaries Provide
Boundaries provide protection. Protection seems a bit “over the top” but the truth is, not everyone deserves the best of you. Boundaries safe guard the emotional, physical, spiritual, and social aspects of you.
Having boundaries doesn’t mean the inability to be “free”. Freedom means having freedom within yourself. Boundaries are not jail, it’s about safe-guarding yourself. It’s about not allowing to be so vulnerable that you absorb everything around you because that takes all of your energy. But you don’t want to be so guarding that you stop thriving. There’s a perfect middle ground.
Be a good person, give people the respect, but have respect for yourself too. You are worth protection. You are worth saving the best of you for those who have earned it.
Boundaries provide consistency for yourself and others when they think of you. If you say “yes” to things you don’t want to do it often shows. But the more clear you become, the better you feel, and the better your relationships can be.
But with saving the best of yourself, it requires you taking the best care of yourself.
I have struggled with boundaries through my life because I didn’t have a good example of boundaries growing up. But this alone has transformed so much of my life and has fueled the person I am becoming. I want this for you too.
How to Figure Out What Your Boundaries Are
This evolves as you evolve. These are also very different for everyone.
Figure out your Limits.
Voldemort is just a name. Identify things that make you uncomfortable. Make a physical list of things you’re not okay with. Whether it be rudeness, stubbornness, small minded, energy drainers etc.
But also write down what is important to you. Examples are your family, time to rest, your pride etc. These help direct you to know when something is interfering with these aspects of your life.
This begins with Considering your Past and Present
Identify situations that you have been in and don’t want to be in again. If being left alone with a guy at the club makes you uncomfortable look for that. If babysitting your friends child for free for the 100th time notice that.
These experiences are our teachers. This is how we learn over time what we are okay with.
Think about relationships, your environment, and your job. Just because people stay later than you doesn’t mean that’s the expectation. If your family is more important to you than staying late, define that for yourself. Stand up for your beliefs.
How to Hold Strong to your Boundaries when Feeling Pressured
What you Value
What do you value? I mentioned this earlier in the article, but make a list of things that are important to you. It’s nice to look over that list frequently to help you stay focused on what’s most important to you. Is it family, the promotion you want, self-care? Make a list of things that mean something and rank them. This ranking can help you in tough times.
Make Time for Self-Care
I’m not talking about self-soothing. There’s a difference. Here’s an article on that if you’re interested. Self care is necessary for the entirety of who you are. Learning to put yourself first is hard especially if you have children, etc. But your energy, peace of mind, and outlook effects everything that you do and who you are with. You can be a better you if you make time for yourself.
Be Assertive
Follow through. This is where most people struggle the most. For instance, when someone asks me if I have plans I struggled saying “no” and agreed to things that I knew might not work out. Saying “no” was very hard for me. I’ve pledged to myself to stop being afraid of “no”. The first couple of times was so hard. I was honest and said “I usually say yes, but I’m not sure I can, I have other priorities”. There’s no shame in this. Honesty for yourself and for others gives you a genuineness people appreciate. There are periods I still struggle with this.
Have Small Goals First
Assertively communicating is difficult. Defending yourself and your boundaries is always a work in progress. But the more honest you are with yourself, the more honest you can be with other people. Build on little achievements and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
We all have people in our lives that we think are strong willed. Sometimes telling the ones you love that you are working on your boundaries help you face them more freely. I used to tell my best friend when I was starting “I’m working on my boundaries so I’m going to say no, but I still love you”.
This takes practice and support and I believe in you!
What are some other ways you can protect your boundaries?
Talk soon,
Sarah
