Negative self-talk is often on auto play in people’s heads, to a point it’s difficult to catch. The thoughts of “Wow, I look terrible” to “I am so stupid; how could I not realize that”. Or replaying difficult situations in our heads and beating ourselves up over and over again. Negative self-talk comes in many different forms and it can breed more negative thoughts.
We are in a world where we were raised to look at our flaws. Many of these flaws are only perceived as flaws and are not actually flaws. All it takes is a small comment from a stranger to make us think about something over and over again. Everyone has flaws but dwelling on them is when it becomes an issue. Letting the idea of a flaw overshadow everything else.
Self-criticism causes unnecessary pain and suffering.
These thoughts increase our stress and are detrimental to our mental health. These thoughts constantly assault your confidence and ability to be resilient.
Here’s the good new. You can learn to reframe the negative thoughts and overcome them.
How often have you noticed that your inner critic can take you back to places in your mind that are negative and damaging. Take a moment. Think about this.
Understanding Self-Criticism is Imperative to Change it.
There are two types of internalized criticism.
1. Comparative Criticism. This is when you’re constantly comparing yourself to those around you. This is often when the green giant of jealousy comes out and you in turn believe you’re not enough based on someone else’s journey.
This type of criticism also leads to you thinking others are judging you. Which then in turn, makes you feel like you aren’t enough.
2. Internalized Criticism. This is what prevents you from feeling like you’ve achieved enough. It can rob you of feeling successful and feeling proud. This can turn into an obsession of always waiting for the next thing to be happy. This prevents you from being proud of the journey you’re on.
Now that you’ve learned the two types lets tackle the large questions that we often beat ourselves down with.
“Why am I not Enough” – even writing this gave me goosebumps.
- It’s important to understand where these thoughts came from in order to fix them.
- Take out a pen and paper. Think about the times where you thought you “weren’t enough”. It’s okay to feel a little hesitant to want to drudge this stuff up. Wrap it up and think, was it from trauma, a dysfunctional family, difficult childhoods, relationships, illnesses?
- Remember that this is just an internal message. Work on healing your past. Who supports you, compliments you? Who has been there for you? Are you there for yourself?
- Be patient with yourself. Think of all the wonderful people in the world who struggled with similar pasts and look to them for inspiration, not comparison.
- Try journaling and meditation to help you quiet the mind. Journal those feelings and those bad memories. Then set those pages on fire. Watch them burn away as you breathe and give yourself permission to move on.
- Get a therapist. Therapists can help you individually and can often offer insight you might be missing to help you move past your past. (See what I did there?)
- Say “I’m good enough”. This is where reframing comes to play. Reframing includes turning a negative statement into a positive one that helps uplift you.
- This is your journey, you have your own attributes, characteristics, and belief systems that make you different. You’re capable of greatness.
Sometimes knowing where these thoughts stem from give you more control over them. It can make it easier to reframe and to work on moving forward.
“I’ll Never Improve”
This statement can hold you back and prevent you from improving in whatever aspect of your life you want to change. The beauty of life is you have the ability to improve constantly.
Try these ideas to help you through it
- Think of something you’re working on. Break it down as thinking of it as a “learning process”. What steps are stumping you?
- Reach out and ask for help.
- Don’t stop. Often we think something is to time consuming and life gets in the way. Make time, whether it’s between newborn naps, or before bed, don’t stop.
- You are Not Alone! Remember learning can be hard for many people. Everyone struggles somewhere.
- Reframe the thought “I’m learning and getting better”. “I’m getting better all the time”. “Slowly but Surely”.
“Everyone is Better than Me”
No one is the best at everything (though there are people who think they are ;D). In some way, everyone probably is stronger in some aspect. But what are you strong at? What do you think people think you’re good at?
- Nearly everyone has this thought. But if everyone has this thought, it can’t be true. Look around, and highlight your strengths.
- Learn to Love Yourself. Practice forgiveness.
- Learn to let go of mistakes you’ve made a long time ago.
- Reframe the thought. You are unique. “I’m talented” “I’m great” “I lift others”.
- Identify your strengths.
Here are some More Self-Criticisms that can be Reframed.
- “I can’t do anything right”. Reframe: “I do many things well”.
- “I shouldn’t have done this”. Reframe: “I learned from this”. What did you learn?
- “I’m never going to be happy”. Reframe: “I can be happy even in difficult times” “I’m allowing myself to be happy”
- This one is my common one. “I’m A MESS”. Reframe: “I am in control”. “I get to take action where I see fit”
Here are MORE tips for dealing with Self-Criticism.
1. The human perception is tricky.
– We often believe that how we see situations everyone sees from the same lenses. This is not the case. Your experience is built from your past, emotions, and present. Everyone has different perceptions.
2. Start being more mindful of your thoughts.
– Throughout the day, stop and think “Am I being positive or negative?” and “Why?” This is the first step to becoming more aware of your self-criticisms.
3. Don’t forget to REFRAME.
Reframe, reframe, reframe. Reframe your emotions, your thoughts, and your actions. This allows you to become more mindful and more aware. This can also help with empathy and can create more understanding in social situations.
You’re in control of your thoughts and you can alter them. Again, You are in control. Practice these tips and watch your self-esteem sky-rocket. It takes time and there are days I still struggle with self-criticism. But it’s something that you can improve and work on consistently.
Talk soon, XOXO Sarah
